


Lessons in Monster Sex

by thefilthiestpiglet



Category: The Witcher (TV)
Genre: (in that Geralt thinks monsterfucking is totally okay), Confused Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Dubious Consent, M/M, Monsterfucking, Oral Sex, Pansexual Jaskier | Dandelion, monster oral sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:14:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27666629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefilthiestpiglet/pseuds/thefilthiestpiglet
Summary: Like every other Wolf Witcher, Geralt had taken a total of four classes on monster sex at Kaer Morhen.Jaskier finds out about Geralt's poor sex ed during an atypical drowner fight.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Comments: 12
Kudos: 157





	Lessons in Monster Sex

**Author's Note:**

> I've watched the show and played exactly nothing of the games, but reading a shit-ton of fics is close enough, right? I also only vaguely remember high school biology and I don't think it covered monsters or animal sex. I also have no idea how to tag this, so any help in any of these things is much appreciated!
> 
> Somewhat dubious consent in that Geralt engages monsters in sexual activity, but he sees it as just a thing he does, and the monsters can't really consent either way.

Like every other Wolf Witcher, Geralt had taken a total of four classes on monster sex at Kaer Morhen. 

The first class was before the Grasses, taught by Master Finnick, and it focused on standard monster gender and sex characteristics, mating seasons and methods, and how those affected monster behavior. 

The second and third classes were immediately after the Grasses. One was about their new Witcher physiology and the lust spikes they were all experiencing in reaction to, well, pretty much everything. It was taught by Master Vesemir because he alone had perfected the glare to silence the inappropriate sword jokes, and was also patient enough to answer any questions about the proper and safe methods for sating their animalistic needs with other Witchers or monsters. 

The class was immediately followed by a practicum by Master Finnick, who reviewed how they could use their new Witcher senses and reflexes to better detect when a monster was lust-addled, how to use that to their advantage when taking the monster down or sating their own lust, the necessary implements needed for execution and cleanup, as well as the rare monster parts they could harvest in the process. 

The fourth and final class on monster sex was always taught by a recent Witcher graduate, shortly before they leave for their first year on the Path. The class was about what to do when their Witcher lust spiked on the Path and there was no convenient Witcher or monster nearby. They learned standard brothel protocols, regional variations, how to present themselves as less threatening to the workers, and the various responses that humans might have to the idea of having sex with Witchers. 

Of the four classes, Geralt found the first three to be eminently useful. Of his many years on the Path, he was able to take down numerous leshens, bruxae and even an odd troll or nest of drowners by taking advantage of their post-ejaculation vulnerabilities. Off the Path, he and Eskel had sated each other’s lust since their teenage years. The trouble, he’s found, were the humans, and how much wasn’t covered in that fourth class.

He didn’t blame the class on his initial flub-up at the brothels. After so long spent with Eskel, he had forgotten that the human world assumed that he preferred and had experience with women, so he quickly gained the requisite experience, if not a particularly strong preference either way. He treated the workers with respect, always paid extra coin for the night, and found satisfactory release.

The thrill-seekers were a bit of a surprise — the ones who would stare at him and smell of fear and lust, and then would proposition him. But he usually dealt with them the same as he did the monsters — let them have their way, then extract what he needed. With a kikimora, it was its enlarged pituitary glands. With a human, it was usually some coin or a favor that they were willing to part with after he had performed to their expectations.

But then he met the bard, and nothing that Jaskier did was ever covered in Geralt’s coursework, least of all sex. 

———

Before Jaskier, no human had stayed around Geralt long enough for him to observe their mating preferences. So once Jaskier started hanging around, Geralt took it to be a perfect opportunity to study human mating rituals.

After some months of quiet observation and notes in his notebook, Geralt could fairly conclude that yes, humans do mate differently from Witchers. For one, Jaskier’s lust smell doesn’t seem to respond to any external indicators — he seemed to have no preference for gender or physical attributes. The bard seemed to just be permanently horny, with the exception of when physical pain or fear distracted him. For another, Jaskier’s mating seemed not to be driven by any base instincts, seasonal changes or desire to create progeny, but merely to … feel good? There was a distinct smell of contentment after most of Jaskier’s trysts that was not related to lust at all. He did not seem to be getting much coin or other favors in return for the sex, and if anything, had lost quite a few doublets in his various hasty escapes. And while Geralt occasionally saved up money for a whore when his hand was not enough and he hadn’t encountered a willing monster, Jaskier flirted indiscriminately, seemed to have a new partner in every village they they stop at, and claimed to love each and every one of his partners.

As a Witcher, he knew he had no understanding of love, but after a month of observations, Geralt could safely conclude that Master Vesemir and Master Finnick were right: Witchers and humans were different. Jaskier wanted something more than the slaking of lust when he has sex with someone, which was patently different from Geralt’s perfunctory dealings. What that something was, Geralt had difficulty pinpointing. He was merely thankful that he’d decided to make his observe Jaskier first instead of offering himself the first time he smelled Jaskier’s lust scent. That would have been embarrassing for everyone. 

Conclusion made, Geralt closed his notebook and went back to listening to Jaskier’s recounting of his most recent stay at the Countess de Stael’s. Jaskier was human, Geralt was a Witcher, end of story.

And then Geralt took Jaskier to a rare drowner hunt.

———

“I’ve never seen you excited about a drowner contract before.” The bard trailed behind him as he collected a few final ingredients for the special potion that he needed for this fight.

“Not regular drowners,” Geralt grunted. He’d read the description on the contract and double-checked with the alderman and several eyewitnesses. The drowners had purple tongues and back frills, which meant that they were in heat.

“Oh yeah, the purple thing.” Jaskier paused to look at a stall with some sweet buns. “So… what does the purple mean? They’re, what, arch-drowners? Is there such a thing?” Geralt ignored the bard’s prattling to buy the final ingredient from a vegetable stall, then they were off to camp near the lake and brew his potions.

Drowners in heat were rare enough — their mating cycle was every two years, and only possible after a nest had reached a sufficient size — that Geralt was actually looking forward to the hunt. Horny drowners were ridiculously easy to take down, so he wouldn’t have to worry about Jaskier getting hurt, and it’d be a nice change of pace from the usual bloody mess. Lucrative, too.

“What’s that?” Jaskier peered over the campfire to where Geralt was carving a head of ginger.

“Ginger.”

Jaskier sighed. “Well, yes, I can see that. But why is it in that shape?”

“Easier to hold.” Geralt grunted.

“Wait, I’ve seen you fight drowners before, and you’ve never used ginger.”

Geralt shrugged. “Like poison to drowners in heat.”

Jaskier perked up. “In heat? Wait, we’re fighting horny drowners? Are they running around, trying to hump random tree stumps? And then what, you throw this at them while they’re distracted?”

“Something like that.” Geralt finished his preparations and settled into his bedroll. “You’ll see tomorrow.”

———

The hunt itself was simple enough, and succeeded spectacularly in taking out a whole nest of drowners with barely a fight. But the bard had an odd look on him when Geralt helped him down from the tree.

“Um, Geralt, what the fuck just happened?”

Funny, he’d thought Jaskier would have enjoyed seeing that fight. “Took out a nest of horny drowners.” He left Jaskier by the shore and started wading into the lake to start harvesting the drowner body parts. “Didn’t get hurt,” he added, since that seems to be something that Jaskier cared about.

“That’s true, but…” Jaskier paced back and forth by the lake as Geralt dragged the dozen bodies back onto the shore. “Fuck’s sake, Geralt, can’t you put some clothes on? Aren’t you cold?”

Geralt shrugged. “Yes, but these tongues are worth a hundred crowns each.” Besides, better to wait until everything was done before getting back into his clothes. Less to wash that way.

Jaskier walked closer. “You mean, these tongues that you let lick all over your body and into your mouth?”

Geralt frowned. Why was the bard sounding so agitated? “Tongue-exploration is standard drowner mating behavior.” He laid the seventeen 3-foot-long tongues out to dry, then went to tug his tunic back on. “Also the quickest way to get the potion into their bloodstream is through the saliva exchange.”

Jaskier nodded. “Sure, saliva exchange. And why were they obsessed with licking your butt? I’m pretty sure there wasn’t any saliva there.”

Oh yeah, Geralt’d almost forgotten. He reached down and pulled the ginger out. Jaskier stared. “Wait, why was that… *That’s* what they were…” He took a deep breath, mumbled to himself a moment, then tried again, more calmly. “I thought ginger was poisonous to them? Why were they licking it like it was heaven’s nectar?” 

“Aphrodisiac that becomes poisonous when mixed with their ejaculate. The potion serves as a catalyst.” Geralt pulled on his leggings and continued with his armor. 

“Ah, which you got them to consume by licking their tongues. Which also conveniently helped get them off.” Jaskier’s voice was that calm, slightly higher tone that he used when he was humoring a lord’s outrageous request. “So your plan for fighting a dozen of horny drowners was to walk into was to walk naked into their nest, make them even hornier by getting them to rub against the ginger in your butt, get them off by letting them lick all over you body and your mouth, and then wait for them to die from the poison.” Geralt nodded. Finally Jaskier was getting this. He supposed that it wasn’t the typical fight where he downs potions and takes off after some gryffins. No wonder Jaskier was confused.

“One last question,” Jaskier croaked out, “Why not just hold the ginger in your hand? Or just rub ginger juice on them? Why put it in your asshole?” 

Geralt frowned quizzically. “They needed to think it was a part of me. Needed to be naked and bare-handed, mouth was occupied, where else would I have put it? Up my nose?” 

Jaskier scrunched up his face. “But didn’t it sting?”

Geralt shrugged. “Barely.” Less than most of his usual potions. Less than any typical drowner bite. Geralt stopped to look Jaskier in the eyes. “This was an easy fight. Why are you so upset?”

Jaskier replied with a tone of disbelief as he gestured at the drowners. “Because *you’re* not? Because I found out today that apparently it’s perfectly normal to take down monsters by having sex with them and getting them to ejaculate all over you?” 

Geralt nodded. “Not common, but normal.”

Jaskier’s head jerked back up. “Wait, this isn’t a one-time thing? You’re not just pranking me? Have you taken down other monsters by letting them have sex with you?”

“Of course. Pretty much the only way to take down some of the larger land squids.”

“But sex is… sex should be…” Jaskier was tugging at his hair again.

Ah, that was Jaskier’s problem — he was applying his human sex expectations to Witchers.

“Witchers are not human, Jaskier.” Geralt moved to start wrapping up the precious purple tongues. “In terms of sex, I’m closer to those drowners. Worse, actually, since at least they have predictable mating seasons and can create offspring. All I have are occasional lust spikes.”

Jaskier blinked a few times. “So when you have sex, those are lust spikes?” He says the words as if they were nonsense words.

Geralt shrugged. “When I go to a brothel yes.” He finished packing the saddlebags and swung back onto Roach. The fight was so quick that they should be able to get back to the village by early evening.

They were about halfway back when Jaskier, who had been plodding along quietly beside him, spoke up. “Geralt, I’ve seen you have sex outside of brothels. Sometimes people proposition you. Do you…just let them, even when you don’t feel a ‘lust spike’?” 

Geralt frowned. Why was Jaskier saying this as if it was a bad thing? “Sometimes people want a thrill or bragging rights. It doesn’t affect me one way or the other. I’m able to perform the task.” It usually took some effort to amp up his heartbeat and blood flow and to read the other person’s desires correctly, but it’s not that different from a monster fight.

“Are there…” Jaskier frowned, clearly thinking hard. “Are there people that you have sex with only when you have a ‘lust spike’?”

Geralt considered this. “Outside of the brothers? There’s Eskel, I suppose, though he’s a Witcher.”

“Okay.” Jaskier muttered under his breath. “Okay, I can work with this.” Turning to Geralt, he said, solemnly, “Geralt. Please give me permission to attempt to stoke your lust.”

Geralt blinked. Jaskier didn’t *smell* like one of those thrill-seekers, though in a way, it made sense — Jaskier had always liked to try new things. He just didn’t expect Jaskier, of all people, to see him as yet another conquest. Regardless, Geralt had enough experience about what humans generally expect, and the drowner fight was so easy that he had energy to burn. He shrugged. “Sure. When?” 

Jaskier seemed to notice their surroundings for the first time, and shivered as an evening breeze swept across the field. “Maybe after we get back to the inn?”

Geralt nodded and urged Roach forward, trying to outride his vague sense of disappointment. 

———

The alderman paid fairly, and the village healer was happy to purchase one of the tongues, so Geralt returned to the inn with a full purse and thoughts about stopping at one of the larger cities to offload the rest of his haul. Jaskier was bargaining with the innkeeper for some dinner, so Geralt headed upstairs to their room and found the bath already drawn. With a small thought of gratitude for Jaskier, Geralt shucked off his clothes and sank into the warm bath with a contented sigh. 

Some time later, Jaskier clanked into the room carrying a tray of dinner, which he brought over next to the tub. Geralt grunted and Jaskier dutifully passes him a bread roll from the tray.

“I have to admit, now that I’m not thinking you were going to die from tongue-related asphyxiation, getting serial-licked by a dozen drowners is actually less grisly and dangerous than your typical monster hunts.” Jaskier seemed to be in a good mood, mouth full of his own bread roll, and already stripped down to his chemise. Jaskier peered closer at the water. “Is that… purple slime?” 

Geralt made to get up, suddenly self-conscious, but Jaskier merely stuffed the rest of his roll in his mouth and grabbed a bar of soap. It was the nice bar that he used for his hair. With an internal sigh of relief, Geralt sank back down and let Jaskier lather up his hair, feeling tension flow out of him from the calming ritual. Later, Jaskier would probably want to have sex with him, which would take effort and concentration. Right now, Geralt preferred to dwell in the feeling of Jaskier’s fingers running through his hair.

Almost in a daze, he sensed Jaskier rinsing the suds out and shifting forward, then suddenly there was the barest brush of lips on the nape of Geralt’s neck. Geralt made a low questioning noise and opened his eyes. Jaskier was looking at him, eyes soft. “Geralt. May I kiss you?” 

Geralt shrugged, mind still hazy from the bath and Jaskier’s ministrations. Slowly, Jaskier leaned in and Geralt tilted his head up to meet him. Sometimes he and Eskel would kiss each other, usually as a break from biting each other’s shoulders in the heat of sex, but this was different. Jaskier kissed softly and tenderly, huffing a light breath over his mouth, plush lips lingering against Geralt’s own, and the tiniest whisper of tongue. When Jaskier pulled back, Geralt couldn’t help a small breath that escaped his chest, half sigh of contentment and half … something more. 

Jaskier chuckled, and moved to pull Geralt out of the tub, drying him with a spare cloth and following its path with a trail of kisses.

Geralt didn’t know how to describe the feeling in his chest. It wasn’t lust, which typically started in his genitals and surged upwards. This was a warmth near his heart that expanded outwards. It wasn’t the sort of joy that made laughter bubble out of him, but it was also something more than contentment. Contentment made him sleepy, this made him want to do something. 

Something like kiss Jaskier. So he did, stepping out of the tub and pulling Jaskier close. He tried to mimic Jaskier’s kiss — softer, without teeth.

Jaskier smiled into the kiss. “Mmm, tell me what you’re feeling.”

Geralt grunted, which made Jaskier laugh. “Nevermind, then. Come lie down on the bed? I want to be on top.”

Geralt nodded and climbed onto the serviceable mattress, thankful for some direction when his chest was filled with this confusing feeling. Jaskier straddled him and … kissed him again. He ran his hands along each of Geralt’s scars, and then planted a gentle kiss atop each one. Geralt shivered, the warmth in his chest building and sparking along each of Jaskier’s kisses. This sort of kissing was never on the menu of options at the brothels. Maybe he could make a custom request next time — if it felt good now, it’d probably feel amazing when his lust spikes. Just then, Jaskier shifted slightly atop him and bent down to kiss the small of his belly, bringing the warmth surging southward and Geralt couldn’t help his hips from thrusting upwards. It didn’t make any sense, but his cock was reacting, filling, getting hard, all without the usual sharpness of a lust spike.

Seeing this, Jaskier chuckled and gently took Geralt’s cock into his mouth, nursing it to fullness. This part felt familiar, and Geralt was glad for something to ground himself and keep him from being swept away by the other feeling. Jaskier was quite skilled, and the warmth that now pooled in his groin built with with every lick of Jaskier’s tongue and slide of his lips along his cock, until Geralt was ejaculating into Jaskier’s smiling mouth. It was an orgasm unlike any he’d had before, a new path to a familiar destination, like watching Lambert take down a kikimora using only bombs.

After, Jaskier pulled himself back up to lay beside Geralt. Geralt could smell Jaskier’s arousal and feel his cock hard against his thigh. “Want me to…” Geralt moved to get up, find some oil so that Jaskier could fuck him properly.

“Nah, I’m fine for tonight.” Jaskier tugged Geralt back down, grinning from ear to ear. “That was a dream come true for me. The look on your face!” He pulled Geralt’s arm around himself and nuzzled into the crook of Geralt’s neck, babbling some more inanities about cock size and comparing tongue technique against the drowners. Geralt grunted to indicate that he was listening, but remained perplexed — he was familiar with Jaskier’s post-sex bliss and need for cuddling, but why was Jaskier behaving like this when he didn’t actually ejaculate?

Finally, Jaskier hoisted himself back upright, facing Geralt properly, all talked out and eyes soft. “So, did I do a good job getting your lust to spike?”

“No.” At Jaskier’s crestfallen face, Geralt hastened to add, “This was something… different.” He chewed his lips. “Contentment, but more. Caused a similar reaction as a lust spike, but through a different path.” Geralt frowned, trying to find the words to describe it. “…If lust were Swallow, this would be Full Moon.”

He didn’t expect Jaskier to understand, especially when he could barely grasp the feeling, but Jaskier nodded knowingly, running an idle finger along one of Geralt’s scars. “Mmm. I think the word you’re looking for is ‘pleasure’.” Jaskier’s eyes were dancing in the lamplight as he looked up. “Did you enjoy the feeling, Geralt? Or are you going to tell me that Witchers don’t have feelings again?”

Geralt turned the word around in his mind a few times. Pleasure. This was what Jaskier got out of sex. What made him cuddly despite not having ejaculated. What he was able to give and receive with all of his many partners. And Jaskier was able to give *Geralt* this feeling. Geralt had taken 4 classes on monster sex and lived for almost a hundred years, and yet nothing before this told him that he could feel this warmth in his chest, just from kissing.

There was only one possible response. Geralt pulled Jaskier into another kiss, relishing the blossom of pleasure inside him and echoed in Jaskier, and whispered fervently, “Thank you.”

**Author's Note:**

> okay, I'm down to 17 wips! 
> 
> Fun fact: the original wip featured a couple hundred words about the class where Geralt, et al, were doing a practicum by testing themselves on various monster body parts, but then I realized that I didn't actually get that far into the weeds on Witcher coursework. But um, imagine teenage witchers trying out various monster dicks in class, if that brings you pleasure. ;) Here's a salvaged bit:  
> “You must remember that your sword and signs are not the only weapons at your disposal when confronting a monster.” Master Finnick scrawled on the board. “The first step is to identify the gender of the monster, and then to find the part of your body that would most accurately simulate what the monster needs to slake its hunger.” Master Finnick gestured at a series of jars from a shelf in the back of the room. “Those are samples of monster genitalia. Get into groups of two and pick one to identify and practice with."


End file.
